you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
