I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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