Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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