Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
