Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
