my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
