i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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