guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
