phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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