I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
