singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
it's like iHOP with fire
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
i think i just lost a toe
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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