Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
