Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
