She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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