Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
