I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
