he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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