i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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