Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
