i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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