You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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