This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
