she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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