I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
