TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
