I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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