I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
