Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
