Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
