I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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