I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
