i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
whose parrot is this?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
