At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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