if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
