and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
