apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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