Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
