Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
