i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
