This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
