I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
