so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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