I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
