SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
