rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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