i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
