can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
