If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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