If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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