Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
