I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
