lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
