What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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